Stale Donuts and Blood
by H.E.R
Summary: Vash spends some time alone, thinking about his past...please R&R so I know if I should continue with this


Trigun and everything from it do not belong to me.  If they did then I would NOT be writing fanfic, now would I?  Please R&R.  Thank you

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Sometimes you can just spend so much time by yourself that you don't even realize just how lonely you are.  Sometimes you can't stand it.  Other times you just don't care.  But sometimes, just sometimes, you want to be that way.

            I'm not really sure what I'm getting at.  I'm not really sure which one of those I wanted right now, but I do know that I am lonely.  I also know that I'm sober.  That's definitely not a good combination.  I need to get some intoxicating stuff into my body, but I just don't have the money.  Isn't that the story of my life?

            The world around me is quiet as I sit outside in the cold night air.  The only noise that can be heard is the noise of the bar just down the street from here.  The people inside seem to be having a good time and whooping it up.  Let them, I say.  Any joy that you can get is better than nothing.  Of course, it's better not to dwell on such sad things.  Sometimes I get like this.  I just think about the past, the present, the future.  Sometimes I'm not really sure if I want to be a part of it anymore.  Sometimes.

            A breeze blows through my hair, chilling me to the core.  I'm quite sure how I feel about living in a vast desert wasteland, but I do know I have learned to appreciate the slightly moderate temperature after sunset that came just before the night chilled the whole place.  I've also learned to appreciate how much joy there still is in the world.  I don't always get the chance the just sit and listen to the sounds of people having fun.  I don't often get to listen to people at all, with the exceptions of Meryl and Milli.  They're always around.

            That's another thing I'm not sure if I want or not.  Don't get me wrong, they're great and I love them and all, but being around me is dangerous.  I don't want them to get hurt.  I don't want anybody to get hurt, but it seems that there is no way to even come in contact with me without getting hurt.  I know how I feel about that.  I hate it.  I hate it more than anything else in my life.  I vaguely remember hearing an old song from Earth that went something like, "You always hurt the ones you love.  The ones you love the most."

            I lower my head and stare down at my own hand.  I don't like that song anymore.  I had thought it was pretty when I was little, but now it hit a little bit too close to home.  I guess that's just how things work out.  You like the pretty things until you learn just how sad it truly is.  Sometimes you still like them, but they hold a more deep sorrow for you because of this revelation.

            I suppose I've gone back to the idea of sometimes.  That idea follows me around a lot.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own well being to try and help others…sometimes it doesn't work.  Now that sometimes I could definitely do without.  I would give up everything if I could just keep everybody safe and happy.  It's just so hard to do the right thing.  It's just so hard for me to figure out what is the best thing to do to keep everybody alive.

            I sigh again and look back to the bar.  A few more people stumble out of the doors and fall to the ground, too drunk to even stand.  The lucky bastards.  I'm sure that they aren't worried about how the human race may be in danger.  I'm sure that they aren't worried about saving everyone.

            Maybe that was my problem.  I wanted to save everybody.  I know that I can't always save everybody, but I have to try.  If I don't try, then who's going to?  Damn it.  Why are things so hard?  Why can't I do it?

            I stand up slowly and jump off of the roof.  I need to walk.  I need to get moving.  It doesn't matter where I go, just so long as I don't stay in the same place for too long.  Shoving my hands into my pockets, I walk through the streets, not really wanting to be alone, but needing it at the same time.  I don't want somebody to be asking me what the matter is, or what they could do to help.  I don't want somebody to be worrying about me, but I do want to be with somebody.  I want to be with her.

            Sometimes I miss her.  I wish she were here with me now.  She wouldn't ask if I were all right.  She wouldn't ask if she could help.  She would just hold me close and wait for me to tell her all about it.  I miss her now.  She wasn't quite like Rem.  She wasn't at all like Rem to tell the truth.  Her name was Kali.

            My mind's eye looks back in time and can see her more clearly than the time that I knew her.  I can see her more clearly than anything else from then, but that makes sense because of how much she meant to me.  She wasn't really like any girl that I knew.  Her face could easily change from an innocence that could make you smile without knowing it, to an anger that could make you cringe away in fear.  Everybody thinks of me as some sort of enigma, but she confused even me.  Even if she were still here I don't think that I would have figured her out.

            A black cat nearby meows at me, snapping me from my musings.  I suppose that it's for the better if I don't think of her.  I probably shouldn't be thinking at all, but I just don't know how to do that.  I know that I worry too much.  Milli sees it very distinctly, but she doesn't know what it is she sees.  I guess that it's lucky for me, but a part of me wishes that she would figure it out and tell me that everything's going to be all right.  Sometimes I just need to hear that.  I suppose that everybody does sometimes.

            I stop to pet the cat, but it runs away from me like I'm some sort of monster.  I can't blame it.  Maybe it could tell that everything that got near me got hurt.  Maybe I was just being silly, but a part of me sank at the thought.  Not even a cat would come near me.  It makes me wish that I could be somebody else, if just for a little while.  I wish that I could just be some normal guy, living a normal life, with normal friends who pick on him for being so boring or smiling too much.

            Snickering at my own stupid ideals, I walk on, knowing that it would never come true anyway.  I've tried that one before, and what happened?  Wulfwood found me and told me of the horrible things that were happening while I was away.  I don't blame him.  I can't just leave my life.  A lot of people would be killed if I did.  It still didn't make me not wish that I could.  I'm really not sure if anything could.

            The chill air seems to envelope me as I walk through the empty streets, listening to the distant sounds of happy drunks.  The moons overhead hang ominously in the sky, letting me know just how alone I am.  Damn.

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Well, that was the beginning.  Please review and tell me what you think.  I'm not really sure if I'm going to continue this, so let me know if I should even bother.  Thanks.


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